South Park: The Stick of Truth - A Novelization
by GoddessOfOTP
Summary: When a new kid moves to the town of South Park, he gets caught up in the crazy game of humans vs. elves, revolving around one single relic: the Stick of Truth... (A novelization of an amazing video game :D Enjoy!)
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

 _Deep in the lands of Zaron, the humans of Kupa Keep struggle to stay alive as they are attacked by the wicked Drow Elves of Larnion._

 _Darkness falls as the humans beg their King to save them. A noble King, known only as the Grand Wizard._

 _For a thousand years the battle has been waged, with only the bravery of the Grand Wizard to protect his human followers._

 _But even though the Wizard King is so undeniably cool, the Drow Elf armies continue their attacks. They seek the human's most treasured relic- the Stick of Truth._

 _But the tides of war are soon to change, as news of a "new" kid spreads throughout the land._

 _In order to save the humans, the Grand Wizard must get to the new kid- before the Drow Elves can manipulate his mind and USE him, to take the sacred relic from human hands._

 _For whomever controls the Stick… controls the universe…_

* * *

The moving truck's tires skidded across the road as it made its way to its destination, a town that was marked by a sign with its name: South Park, Colorado. The truck soon stopped at a bright red, newly bought house with the sign still on the front lawn. It read: For Sale, four bedrooms, two bathrooms, kitchen backyard, **SOUTH PARK REAL ESTATE** , but had a large, yellow "SOLD" sticker slapped right over the words.

You could imagine any other kid wondering around the house in amazement, but I just went right to my new room.

Downstairs, Mom and Dad were loading boxes into the house. When they were finished, Dad said: "Well, I think that's everything."

"We did it, hon, we're really moved in!" Mom exclaimed, hugging her husband.

"It's a new beginning for us," Dad said. "Things are finally going to be good!"

"Do you really think it will be better for…" Mom's voice faltered. "… him?"

Silence filled the room.

"They won't look for him here," Dad promised. "We just need to make sure he doesn't attract any attention. Come on; let's see how he's doing."

The two of them walked upstairs to my room. Mom knocked on the door and called, "Sweetie? Hon, you all dressed?" I didn't answer. Mom and Dad exchanged glances, before opening my door.

"Hey, champ," Dad said. "How do you like your new room?"

I looked around my room, awkwardly, to say the least, considering the fact that my parents were observing.

"I know it's a big change for all of us, but…" Dad changed the subject. "… son, do you REMEMBER why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?"

I didn't answer.

"He doesn't remember," Dad whispered to Mom.

"He doesn't remember at all-"

"That's good. That's good he doesn't remember."

I stood in silence, of all things.

"Uh, sweetie," Mom said sweetly, "we want you to have lots of fun here. Why don't you go out and make some friends?"

Before the room could be silent for too long, Dad added: "Right, get outside and PLAY, son. Like… like normal kids."

"We've got some money for you on the kitchen counter, sweetie. Just…" Mom hesitated, but kept a smile. "… be back before it gets dark."

I kept my silence, and my dad's expression changed from something warm and loving, to something sterner. "Yeah, we love you, too," he said sarcastically, before he and Mom left the room.

For a minute, after my parents left, I considered staying in my room all day, not interacting with anyone, or anything. But, I knew my parents, for some reason, desperately wanted me to go outside and socialize, blah, blah, blah. So, I did what I was told and wondered downstairs (not before checking out some upstairs rooms, of course), and went into the kitchen, where my mom stood at the sink. Sure enough, there were a few dollars on the counter like she promised. I took the money and started for the door.

But I stopped at the living room. My dad sat on the couch on his phone, probably checking emails, or something, not noticing me. He finally looked up from his phone and saw me staring at him, _and not outside making friends_ (gasp!). His expression quickly turned to aggravation.

Great, here comes the Dad Monster.

"It wasn't a REQUEST, it was a COMMAND," he snapped, while standing up from his seat. "Now get out there and MAKE SOME FRIENDS!"

And before I knew it, I was standing on my front step.

* * *

The funny thing about me is that I make friends easily. No, I don't have one-hundred new friends when I walk down the street every day, I'm not famous; but, apparently, people find me "intriguing" and they seem to have a "real connection" with me, and stuff like that (those quotes are all from random people I don't give a crap about, who consider themselves my friend). It's mostly on Facebook, but real life, too.

So, you'd imagine I'd find making friends in this town to be easy, right? Well, yeah, sure, randomly on the street and social media, but my parents want me to actually _play_ with these kids, like a "normal" kid.

The thing is: I don't really know how to play.

I usually just sit in my room watching _Terrance and Phillip_ all day, and check my computer and, _ding!_ I have forty new friends! Hooray!

But when I'm forced to _play_ with other kids, who, by the way, know _how_ to and have _done it before?!_ How the HELL am I supposed to do that?! My parents know this stuff!

Eventually, I considered actually giving this bullshit a shot. Couldn't hurt, right?

Okay, fine, you got me: the front door was locked. I was forced to socialize. Thanks, Mom and Dad. Thanks a lot.

Anyway, I awkwardly walked down the sidewalk, looking for kids to play with. My parents were probably observing from the window, screaming at me to walk faster. Just in case that was actually happening, I increased my walking speed.

Suddenly, out of the blue, I heard a kid's (yes, kid's! Finally! Two minutes was way too long!) voice yell out:

"You shall die by my warhammer, drow elf!"

The first thing I thought of was: "What the hell?" but I didn't say it. I heard another kid's voice yell, "Nuh-uh!"

"I banish thee to the forest realm!" the first voice cried.

"No way, I banished you first!"

Wait… "Forest realm"? What is this, Dungeons and Dragons?

The two voices' owners came into my view: they were two boys who looked my age, in… weird costumes. The first one was a blond boy wearing a golden headband with a red jewel in the middle, with a blue superhero suit and cape, a rope belt, and a yellow badge and gloves. I could tell he had the first voice I heard because of the tool shed hammer- er, warhammer, he held in his hand. The second boy had darker blond hair, and was wearing a Link costume… well, dorky Link costume, with a wooden sword. Mr. Superhero had called him a drow elf, whatever that means. The two boys were fighting with their weapons on the sidewalk, and it looked like the superhero boy was losing.

The Elf hit the helpless Superhero with his sword. "HA HA! You can't hold out much longer!" he yelled.

"HELP! SOMEBODY!" the blond boy cried. "I can't hold out much longer! HELP!" and the two continued their fight.

I watched from the sidelines.

Almost instantly, the Elf pinned the Superhero to the ground and started attacking him, in which the Superhero replied with screams of, "Ow, ow! Ouch!"

To be honest, I felt kind of bad for the poor kid.

I mean, come on! He was getting his ass handed to him by some Hero-of-Hyrule wannabe! You would've felt bad too!

I then realized I should probably help this Superhero kid. After all, he was practically crying for help, and "can't hold out much longer". So, I clenched my fists, took a step forward, and swung.

It must not have been _that_ hard of a punch to the back of the neck, but apparently it was, because the Elf stood up and swung around to face me. He was red with anger (probably because I wasn't in a Zelda costume, but it was most likely the punch. Yeah, the punch).

"Hey, no fair. That's cheating," he confronted me, keeping his voice level. "I'm going to tell my mom." He then ran off like the bastard he was.

Before I could yell out a clever comeback, the blond-haired kid stood up and brushed himself off from the dirt that was on his clothes. He walked up to me, and said: "Thanks, kid. I didn't realize he had a health potion."

Again, I had _zero_ clue what that meant.

"My- my name is Butters the Merciful. I'm a paladin," he continued. I had no idea what he meant by "paladin", but before I could say anything, he excitedly said: "I live right next door to you! We should be friends!" and smiled.

Okay, so he's my neighbor, I thought. That's cool. Maybe we can-

Wait.

"Friends"?

Butters wants to be _friends_ with _me?!_

HA HA! YES! I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED MY GOAL! Take that, Mom and Dad! This guy just made a friend! Woo-hoo!

Suddenly, Butters said: "Now that we're friends, you should speak to the Wizard King! He's been talking about your arrival!"

"Wizard King"? Does Butters expect me to know who that is, and how he knows I moved here?

But, I didn't fight it. I let Butters lead me to this so-called "Wizard King's" house.

"The wizard lives this way," said Butters as he walked down the sidewalk with me close behind. "In the green house, over there."

Eventually, we arrived at a lime green house with a banner decorating the fence that read "Kupa Keep", whatever that means. Butters and I walked up the front steps, and he knocked on the door.

Suddenly, the door swung open to reveal… the Grand Wizard…


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Of course, I didn't _know_ he was the Grand Wizard _right as he opened the door,_ but the way Butters yelled, "All hail the Grand Wizard!" pretty much convinced me.

His name was Eric Cartman, or just Cartman by his friends, and he basically rules this made-up kingdom called Kupa Keep (like I said, I didn't know this at the time. This book is in past tense, okay?). He had a rather… well… large frame, with a pink robe, a blue cape, and wizard cap (with a smiley face on it), accessorized by a light blue fabric belt and a large stick meant as a staff or a wand or whatever, and yellow gloves.

Cartman gave us both a stare, before saying to me: "So, you are the New Kid. Your coming was foretold by a Coldwell Banker. I am the Wizard King."

I was confused as hell, but decided to go along with it.

"But the time for talk is not nigh," Cartman continued. "Let me show you my kingdom."

We walked into Cartman's house, when his mother sweetly said, "Oh, who's your new friend, Eric?" in which Cartman replied with, "Shut up mom, not now."

Rude.

Anyway, Cartman lead me and Butters to his backyard. When we walked through the back door, Cartman held his arms out and announced, "Welcome… to the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!"

I have to admit: Kupa Keep looked pretty damn spectacular.

Everywhere you looked, you'd find amazement. On your right, a brown-haired kid with a war helmet, red outfit, blue scarf, and a wooded sword was managing a table filled with weapons and armor. On your left, you'd find a closed-off area with a cat inside labeled "Stables", managed by another brown-haired kid, this time in a green hoodie and cape, a utility belt, and a headband. In the back, some blonde-haired chick in a purple dress over an orange parka stood in front of a large, cardboard castle with a banner that read "Kupa Keep" on it. I don't usually get impressed, but… I was impressed.

Cartman lead me to the table with armor. "Our weapon shop here is tended by Clyde, a level 14 warrior," he said.

We then went up to the stables. "Here," said Cartman, "you can see our massive stables, overseen by the level 9 ranger, Scott Malkinson, who has the power of diabetes." Aw, poor kid.

Cartman then brought me to the back, where the girl stood. He stood next to her and said, "And here, of course, is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny, the fairest maiden in all the land."

And before I could keep assuming that Kenny was a girl, Cartman whispered to me: "Don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it's just how he seems to be rolling right now…" while Kenny twirled his fake hair.

Pssh, okay. Whatever, Cartman. It's not like I thought he was a girl anyway, ha ha…

* * *

Cartman let me roam around the kingdom for a bit, considering the fact that I was new, and all. I stopped by the weapon shop, where Clyde said: "You may have heard of my deeds at the Battle of Stark's Pond," and before I could question anything, he sadly added: "That's the line the Grand Wizard gave me…"

I stopped by the stables, too, and learned something new from Scott's lines: Apparently, the Grand Wizard withholds snacks if the members of Kupa Keep talk off script (after Scott said that, Cartman yelled, "Stick to your lines! No talking, Scott!").

Finally, I went up to Cartman to converse. "You have been sought out, New Kid," he told me, "because humans everywhere are in great danger. I need something from you and, in return, I am prepared to allow you into my kingdom. I know you are very excited."

If confused and home longing means excited, then yeah, sure, I guess you could say I was pretty damn elated.

"It's time for your first quest," Cartman continued, "but first- please tell us thy name."

Long story short, I never got _anyone_ to call me by my real name, and instead, Cartman settled with the name "Douchebag".

Hi, I'm Douchebag, and if confusion is the equivalent of asshole-iness, then I guess my name is pretty self-explanatory.

"Very well, Douchebag," said Cartman. "You will now choose a class: Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew."

Um.

What?

Confused on what the hell Cartman wanted me to pick, I settled for Mage (even though Cartman said, "A mage is like a wizard, only not as cool".)

"We welcome to our kingdom, Douchebag the Mage!" announced Cartman.

"Hooray!" yelled Butters excitedly.

"Now, please go and visit the weapon shop," Cartman ordered. "Procure yourself a weapon and we shall teach you how to fight!"

I wondered back to the weapon shop where Clyde stood, (unnecessarily) polishing his wooded sword. "Would you like to see my wares, weary traveler?" he unenthusiastically asked me. I didn't answer, so he changed the subject: "Perhaps you would like to hear tips and rumors for two dollars?"

I agreed.

"Don't waste your money on tips and rumors."

You little crook!

Anyway, I ended up buying a magic wand from Clyde (which was just a stick). It looked sucky, but it would have to do.

"Ah! You have procured a weapon. Nice," said Cartman as he walked over to me. "It is now time to teach you how to fight. I want you to take your new weapon, and, with the bravery of a noble knight- beat up Clyde."

Clyde's eyes widened. "What?!"

"Kick Clyde's ass, New Kid."

"What'd I do?!"

"I'm the KING, Clyde, and the King wishes to be amused. Go on, New Kid, kick his ass."

And all of a sudden, I was in a battle with Clyde.

* * *

We stood on opposite ends of a battle circle marked with rope, as Cartman watched, happy. I held my wand in hand as Clyde took out his sword and went into a fighting stance. "I'm gonna kick your ass!" he yelled.

"Clyde, you have to wait your turn," said Cartman.

Clyde gave Cartman an annoyed look. "That's lame."

"No, Clyde, it's like in olden times," Cartman retorted. "You have to wait your turn. Like in the Middle Ages, Clyde! I know it's lame, Clyde, but that's how we're fucking doing it!"

Damn.

Cartman then turned to me. "All right, Douchebag, bash Clyde's face in! Don't be shy."

But there was one problem: I didn't know how.

Suddenly, Clyde got into a blocking stance. I didn't know if he would block my attack, but I went for it anyway. I ran up to Clyde and swung my wand at his head.

Clyde just stood there staring. He said "Ah!" but that was as much as I would get. I ran back to my post.

"That all you got?" Clyde taunted.

Yes, most likely, I answered in my head.

"Oh my god," said Cartman. "It's Butters all over again." He then advised me: "Okay, look. Try putting your back into it at the last possible moment."

I ran up to Clyde again, this time, ready. I swung once- hard- and swung again- even harder. Clyde looked hurt. I didn't process any more thoughts before running back to my post.

"Oh hell yeah!" Cartman yelled, pleased. "Clyde's your bitch!"

I guess I was proud of myself, even though it would make me happy to be hitting a kid.

"All right, Clyde's wearing armor," said Cartman. "In order to hurt him, I want you to hit Clyde as hard as you can."

I took his advice, running up to Clyde and using a sideways swing that was even harder than the ones before it. Clyde winced before I hit him, but strongly took the hit (even though he insulted me while I hit him).

"Oh shit, dude, I think I see blood!" said Cartman. "Fucking nice, brah! That's exactly what you do to guys with armor like that.

"Okay, listen up. The key to surviving in battle is not get hit in the balls. Clyde, it's your turn to attack. Douchebag, protect your balls!"

I saw Clyde prepare to attack, so I readied myself for his hit. "Prepare yourself!" he warned (even though I was in the midst of doing so). He ran up to me, saying "This does double damage!" and I held my wand in front of my face for protection.

I had absolutely no idea how I did it, but as soon as Clyde slashed his sword, I used my wand- _a wimpy little stick-_ to block his attack. Man, I'm good!

Clyde ran back to his post. Cartman yelled, "YES! That's what I'm talking about. Dude, you're already WAY better than Clyde." I think Clyde looked a little offended by that last part… and mad at me.

"All right," said Cartman. "It is time to use your heroic powers. Using your abilities takes power points, or PP for short."

Clyde's childish side kicked in. He chuckled and said, "PP…"

Uh-oh… Cartman's mad now…

"IF YOU HAVE A FUCKING BETTER NAME FOR THEM THEN FUCKING SAY IT, CLYDE! FUCKING ASSHOLE! I'M THE KING, AND I SAY IT'S PP!"

Damn, son!

Cartman turned to me. "Douchebag, use your mage ability to make Clyde pay for insulting the king!"

For some reason, I had a dynamite stick, or something, in my back pocket, along with a lighter.

Aw, shit, this'll be fun, I thought.

I ran up to Clyde and let the fire blow out. Clyde got _doused_ in fire. He kept fighting it, but nothing worked.

"Suck!" he yelled.

I let the flames die out, running back to my post. Clyde was on fire.

And that was my first day at South Park.

… No, I'm kidding, there's more. Cartman looked _ecstatic_ that Clyde was on fire and running around the battle circle with his head in flames. Cartman erupted with laughter.

"Way to wipe that smile off his stupid face, Douchebag," Cartman congratulated me. "Now… do it one more time. Finish him!"

"What?" said Clyde, still on fire. "I was going easy. Take this!"

He ran up to me yelling "Suck it!" as I readied myself for his attack. I blocked it once, but was not ready for his second attack, resulting in him stabbing my chest with his sword. He ran back to his post (still in flames), and I realized that I was winning.

Nice!

I decided to take Cartman's advice and hit him with the flames (I had settled with the name Dragon's Breath) one more time. I readied the dynamite, ran up to Clyde, and let the flames consume him again. This time, Clyde couldn't take it anymore, and ran away crying.

I had won.

Ha, ha! Yeah! Cry, you little bitch! Hooray! VICTORY IS MINE! Hell YES!

* * *

I guess Cartman finds me beating someone up (especially Clyde) to be hilarious, because after my victory, he was filled with laughter.

"Ha ha haa!" he laughed. "Dude, that was awesome! You were all like BRAMMGMG! And Clyde was all like 'AHGHG NOO!' Ha ha ahaa!"

Clyde stood up from the dirt and brushed himself off, an annoyed look on his face. But I couldn't tell who it was geared towards: me or Cartman.

"Okay, okay," said Cartman, calming down. "You've proved yourself worthy, Douchebag. Now, come inside the war tent and I shall let you see the relic."

I didn't know what "the relic" was, but it seemed pretty damn important. So, I followed Cartman inside of his tent at the back of the kingdom.

* * *

I have to say: the inside of the tent looked like a nine-year-old's playhouse, considering the fact that we were all nine at the time.

There was a red couch used as a throne, I'm guessing, a map, and a mannequin that I was not, or ever, going to ask what was used for.

But Cartman seemed to be staring at something else.

"Well, here it is," said Cartman. "The reason why humans and elves are locked in a never-ending war. The relic for which human and elf are willing to die… the Stick of Truth."

The stick lay on a red pillow mounted on a podium, illuminated by a light above it. It looked like some tree branch you could find in your backyard, honestly. Nothing special.

But, apparently, it was, because Cartman told of a story about his kingdom and the Stick that happened not too long ago.

"Just two days ago," said Cartman, "we took the Stick back from the elves. Our kingdom was dying, but now it thrives. For whoever controls the Stick, controls the universe."

Wow, okay. Ultimate power, huh? Woah. I'm so amazed that a branch could hold that much power. Oh my god.

"Don't gaze at it too long!" Cartman warned, looking away from the Stick. "For its power is too much for mere mortals to look at!"

I stared at him. Honestly, he looked like a fucking idiot.

Cartman stopped shielding his eyes and turned me around. "Now that you have seen the Stick of Truth," he said, "let's discuss your dues. Being a member of my kingdom costs nine ninety five for the first week, four dollars of which is tax deductible-"

Before we could continue discussing prices, someone yelled, "ALARM! ALARM! ALARM!"

Cartman looked from side to side in confusion. "Someone has sounded the alarm!" he said.

"Alarm! Alarm! Alarm!" Butters quickly ran into the tent in panic.

"What is it?" asked Cartman.

"The elves are attacking!"

"Oh my God!" yelled Cartman, now panicking. "Defensive positions!" And he ran out of the room to address his army.

* * *

 **I'm praying that you guys like this right now XD**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Honestly, after what had happened next, I wish I would have discussed prices with Cartman in the tent. I'm sure realizing I'm broke as a joke would be more tiring than this.

But I was curious to see what was outside the tent, so I followed Cartman out.

"Man the gate!" he addressed. "Don't let them through!"

And in that moment, I realized two things. First, that they apparently sell more Link costumes in South Park than I anticipated, because outside of Cartman's fence gate was a huge army of elves that looked just like the one I saw beating up Butters, at least a dozen of them. And they all looked pretty pissed off. And second, I couldn't stand a chance with my stick-wand.

The elves walked towards the gate. "Give us the Stick, humans!" one of them yelled.

"Fuck you, drow elf!" Cartman yelled back. "Come and get it!" he then turned to face Clyde. "CLYDE! GUARD THE STICK OF TRUTH WHILE WE DEFEND THE FORTRESS!"

"Aye, aye!" answered Clyde, before running off.

"'Aye, aye'? We're not playing PIRATES, Clyde!" Cartman yelled. He then turned to me. "Douchebag, this is your chance to prove yourself. HOLD OFF THE ASSHOLE ELVES AT ALL COSTS!"

And then, the elves rampaged into our kingdom.

* * *

Everywhere you looked, you'd see terror- the exact opposite of what the kingdom looked like before the elf attack. In every corner, elves were beating up humans, or vice versa. Scott Malkinson lay helpless on the ground, having been beat up by elves. Butters bravely fought elves in the back of the kingdom. It was terrible. It was _terrifying._

Meanwhile, my wanting to go home largely grew.

For a moment, I considered ditching. I considered saying, "Fuck this shit!" and bailing. But I remembered how Cartman said that this would be my chance to prove myself, and if I could pull this off, I'd be a Kupa Keep hero. They might even drop my dumb name.

So, I faced the back of the kingdom where Butter held off an elf. "Butters! BUTTERS!" yelled Cartman. "You're LOSING! STOP LOSING!"

I smacked the elf with my stick, and got caught up in the battle.

* * *

Butters retreated, and it was my time to shine. The elf had a wooden stick as a weapon, much like Clyde's. Another elf ran up behind him and equipped a bow and arrow. Cartman stood and watched.

"Do it, Douchebag!" he shouted. "Kick these elves' asses!"

You don't have to tell me twice, I answered in my head.

The swordsman elf got into a blocking position, holding his sword in front of his face. It caught me off guard and, while I was distracted, the elven archer fired his arrow. It struck me in my side. And it hurt. A lot.

"You're wounded, Douchebag!" said Cartman. "Potions will heal you! Here!"

Cartman tossed me a green snack bag called Cheesy Poofs. I had no idea what those were, but I hurriedly opened the bag and shoved a handful in my mouth. I must admit: they weren't that bad. (Later, I read the ingredients on the back of the bag, and I regretted eating those poisonous monstrosities.)

"The rules say you can have one potion every turn," Cartman told me. "I asked for five but this was the compromise."

Fat ass.

Cartman paused and then changed the subject, saying, "This guy's fast, Douchebag," referring to the swordsman. "Try to block all his attacks."

The elf readied his sword. "Asshole!" he yelled, running up to me. I held my wand up at just the right moment, blocking his first swing, and then his second. The elf fell to the ground, dropping his sword.

"Okay," said Cartman, "if you block all the attacks you get a counterattack. Look at your enemy on the ground, weak and helpless. KICK THE SHIT OUT OF HIM!"

I did as I was told, hitting the elf with my wand from the back. The elf, now wounded, got up and ran back to his post.

"Awesome!" said Cartman, amused. "You kicked his helpless ass. Now finish off these elves in the name of the Wizard King."

The elf swordsman ran up to me again, swinging hard-harder than before, actually- but I was ready. I blocked his attack, and when he fell to the ground, I struck. He ran back.

I decided to use my Dragon's Breath on this elf bastard. So I readied my PP attack, ran up to him, and let him get doused in flames. Just like Clyde had, the elf caught on fire.

"No fair!" yelled the elf, blood running from his face. He grabbed his sword and got the fuck out of there. Now, it was just me and the bowman.

He fired, and I blocked. The arrow struck my wand. The bowman looked angry now.

This bitch is just asking to catch on fire.

So, that's what I did: I used my Dragon's Breath on the archer. "Fuck this shit!" he shouted, running away just as the previous elf had.

I won again! Yay!

"Great job, Douchebag!" Cartman congratulated me.

But I couldn't live in the moment forever. Just as quickly as I won the last battle, I was sucked into a new one.

* * *

This time, I was pitted against the bitchy elf clubber who was trying to hit the cat (which is an unacceptable offence), along with his bitchy archer friend and their bitchy weapons and their bitchy outfits.

"You got this, Douchebag!" yelled Cartman encouragingly.

"In your face!" yelled the elven clubber, who tossed his club from one hand to the other and held it out. (This was known as a riposting stance.)

The archer readied his arrows, and fired. I got hit, but just barely. It didn't hurt that much.

"What are you waiting for, Douchebag?" asked Cartman, his voice toned down from before. "That guy's just standing there," -he pointed to the clubber- "Go kick his ass!" He slyly smiled at me, for a reason I didn't know what was.

I did so, running up to the guy and readying my attack. But as soon as I swung, the clubber smacked me with his weapon. I fell to the ground, and kind of wanted to stay there forever, but I knew that would make me look wimpy, so I got up and ran back to my post.

And then Cartman started _laughing._ At _me. Like a fucking bastard._

"Hahaha!" he laughed. "Aw, man, he was totally waiting for you, dude. You can't just hit him like that."

BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO DO! FUCKER!

"You need to try a different tactic to damage him," Cartman advised. He then pointed to the archer. "Look at that archer, hiding behind his friend like a wuss. Switch to your arrows, Douchebag. Snipe that little bitch."

I didn't question why I had an orange, ratty old bow in my back pocket, along with some arrows. I just took it out and prepared to fire.

"Sweet," said Cartman, "now you can hit the guy in the back. Go for the pink mist!"

I aimed my bow at the archer, readying three arrows. I did a fucking badass spin and fired. The bowman couldn't block a single one, and ran away.

"Yeah, bitch!" shouted Cartman. "That's what you get for fucking with the Wizard King."

The elven clubber was mad now. He held his club to the side with both hands, and was ready to reflect my attack. I glanced at the bow in my hands.

"Careful, Douchebag!" said Cartman. "That guy's ready for your arrows now. You gotta try something else."

So, I did just that. I went for my wimpy wand, using my strong attack, swinging my wand to the side as hard as I could. The elf did not block the attack at all; he fell to the ground, helpless, as I ran back to my post.

"Great job, Douchebag!" said Cartman. I realized I had won, again.

Hooray!

* * *

Seeing Scott Malkinson practically dead on the ground wasn't pleasant. And, of course, the fact that an elf kid was hitting him with his sword didn't make the situation any better. So, I promptly walked over to the elf and started smacking him with my stick, beginning _yet another_ battle.

The swordsman elf was backed up by another elf with a hammer (wearing a dorky bike helmet). I wondered how I keep winning these things.

"Let's do this, Douchebag," said Cartman, sticking around for another fight.

The elven sentinel got into a riposting stance, while the swordsman took out a wooden, poorly-made shield.

"Okay, that guy has a shield," said Cartman, referring to the swordsman. "Shields are super weak. Just hit them with your simplest hit over and over to wear them down quickly."

I ran up to the swordsman with my wand, smacking him with hit. His shield broke instantly. I hit him with another blow while he was unguarded, which made hit fall to the ground, defeated. Soaking in the glory, I ran back.

"Hell yeah," said Cartman, "that's how you do it. The other elf let his guard down! Now's your chance. Power Attack his armor!"

I did so, running up to him and attack. He would run up to me and attack, and the process kept going. Soon enough, the elf was defeated.

I had won, again, less enthusiastic than the other times.

* * *

It was in that moment that the Drow Elves realized they would not stand a chance against Kupa Keep. All their men were defeated, and they would have to forfeit.

"DROW ELVES!" yelled one of the elves. "FALL BACK! FALL BACK I SAY!" All the elves obligated, running out of the kingdom in fear and defeat. Cartman's face lit up.

"YES!" the Wizard King cheered. "Awesome, dude! TAKE THAT, YOU ASSHOLE ELVES! Better luck next time!" Then, he started childishly taunting the elves, cheering: "NA NA NA NA NAAAA NA! WE STILL CONTROL THE UNIVERSE! HA HA HA HA HAAAA HA!"

Cartman was interrupted from his joyous taunt when Clyde walked up to him, and with an emotionless expression, said: "It's gone."

Silence filled the area, and that was all that could be heard.

"What?" said Cartman, breaking the silence.

"The Stick of Truth," Clyde answered. "The elves got it."

More silence.

And then, silence was replaced by something even more terrible: Cartman's red, boiling hot rage. He didn't hold back _at all_ when yelling at Clyde. It sounded a little something like this:

"THAT WAS YOUR ONE GOD DAMNED JOB CLYDE! TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH!"

And it was loud… it was really loud.

Cartman calmed down a bit, and stared at the ground, as if he was trying to think of what to say next. "Clyde…" he finally said. "You are hereby BANISHED FROM SPACE AND TIME!"

Wait… what?!

"What?!" Clyde yelled back, now angry. "NO! You can't do that!"

"Yeah I can!" Cartman argued. "You're banished and lost in time and space!"

"Yeah!" Butters chimed in, a big, goofy smile on his face. "Go home, Clyde!"

Clyde looked just about ready to kill. He was red with anger, his fists clenched and his teeth grinding. I thought he was going to scream. Instead, he angrily stormed off and out of Cartman's backyard.

Half of me felt sorry for him and wanted to comfort him. The other half wanted to laugh in his face. But I did neither, for a dumb reason I can't remember why.

"You fought bravely on the battlefield, Douchebag," Cartman said to me, warmly.

"Yeah," Scott Malkinson agreed, "this New Kid may be a douchebag but he sure can fight!"

I liked the compliment, sort of.

"Shut up, Scott, nobody cares what you think," said Cartman (I was quite in shock). "Anyways, we have a bigger problem now! The Stick of Truth has been stolen and we must assemble our ENTIRE army in order to get it back."

"But our three best warriors still haven't reported for duty, my king!" Butters said.

"Our newest member can take care of that!" said Cartman, leading me away from the crowd of Kupa Keep members. "Douchebag, I want you to go out into the neighborhood and find my greatest warriors: Token, Tweek, and Craig. I am texting their pictures to your personal inventory device now…" he paused to write and send the text. "But beware… the lands outside are full of marauding drow elves, monsters, and sixth graders. Be sure you are well equipped. Now go! And send my warriors here!"

And that was how I received my first quest.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

It's funny how Cartman thinks I can navigate a town I had just moved to about a half an hour ago, looking for three kids who I had no idea who were, with just their names and pictures. It's almost pointless, but I guess when you have the right help, it'll work. I had a map on my phone, and Butters tagged along with me on my journey.

I left Cartman's property with Butters close behind. Having no idea where to go, I checked my map.

The first thing that caught my eyes was Tweek Bros. Coffee, the local coffee shop. Apparently (and this is all Butters' words), this kid Tweek has parents who own that coffee shop. It's small, but business does pretty well. (And plus, there's free WiFi.)

So, that was the first place I decided to go.

* * *

The walk to Tweek Bros. Coffee didn't take that long, even though it was on the complete other side of town. In person, the shop seemed bigger than I anticipated, with a big red sign on the front that read the shop's name and little gimmicks to get you to drink there.

Inside looked like your average small-town coffee shop. It didn't look like it ran on a shoestring, to be honest. I liked it. It was comfy.

I was greeted by a guy at the cash register with curly light brown hair, holding a mug of coffee. He was Tweek's dad, Mr. Tweak. He looked down at me and said, "Welcome to Tweek Coffee. Coffee made with ingredients supplied by local organic suppliers. It's local coffee. Brewed locally."

Wow, this guy's proud of his business, I thought.

Mr. Tweak turned around and yelled, "TWEEK?! TWEEK!"

Muffled screaming could be heard behind a door. I jumped a bit at the sound of Tweek's shrieking.

"Have you picked up the fresh local ingredients?!" yelled Mr. Tweak.

"AAHGHGH NOT YET DAD!" Tweek yelled. "I'M STILL TRYING TO DO ALL MY CHORES!"

"Well hurry up, son, the family business is relying on you!"

More muffled screaming.

I had to get to this kid, so I walked towards the door with Butters behind me. The door read, "Employees Only", but I didn't really care. I opened the door, anyway.

* * *

How much coffee is this guy _drinking?!_

That was the first thing I thought when I saw Tweek.

He had a mess of blond hair on his head, and a dark green shirt with buttons that were incorrectly buttoned, and blue pants. He would constantly twitch and scream, pulling and tugging on his shirt and his hair. Tweek was anxiously sweeping the floor with a broom, as if he was trying to bat away a rat, or something.

I walked down the stairs and handed him the paper note I had written for him, instead of talking (like always). He grabbed the paper from my hands.

"What's this?!" he said, and read over the note. He then jumped backward, his eyes twitching. "AHGHGHGH! NOW?! The guys need me now?! Oh there's no way, man! I have WAY too much to do!"

Suddenly, Tweek grabbed me by my collar and cried, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ALL THIS?!"

I was just about ready to run away screaming at that point.

Then Tweek calmed down a bit. "Wait- YOU!" he let go of me and pointed at me.

Me?!

"Could you go get the four-o-clock delivery for me?!" he asked, his right eye twitching. "If you do I can finish here and then- and then I'll still have time to play! PLEASE! Would you?!" he then turned around to face a table, grabbing a letter and handing it to me. "It's at Kenny's house- like always!" he continued. "Y-you give them THIS- they'll give you the delivery!"

I stared down at the paper in my hand. I was about to hand it back to Tweek and bail, but he looked pretty overwhelmed with everything he had to do here. I could tell by the way he downed his coffee, his body shaking, and saying, "AHGHGHGH! How am I supposed to do all this?! There's no way, man! Starbucks has like eight employees! Here it's just me! AHGHGHGH!"

And, to be honest… I felt badly for him.

I ended up exiting Tweek Bros. Coffee with a letter in my hand and _yet another_ quest to complete.

* * *

I don't want to have to explain what Kenny's house looked like, so I'll just say this: Kenny must have been really, really poor…

I walked up to Kenny's house with Butter in tow. Wondering if this was the house of the same Princess Kenny who was at Koopa Keep, I knocked on the door (lightly, because I was afraid it would break if I banged on it).

A woman with red hair and a green shirt that said "I'm With Stupid" answered the door, and I assumed this must be Kenny's mom. "What?" she said.

I handed her the letter. She read it over carefully before saying, "Ah, this isn't for ME. This is for the nice people who are renting the guest house out in the back." Kenny's mom then handed the letter back to me before shutting the door.

Next to Kenny's small house was what seemed to be a garage, which was even smaller. I advanced to the garage, opened it, opened the door which was then revealed…

* * *

And DEFINITELY didn't expect a mad scientist's lab to be inside!

That is all I can use to describe it: mad scientist's lab. There were test tubes everywhere! And some mysterious green goo on the floor…

Standing in the room were three… meth heads, is all I can say, two men and one woman. They looked like they hadn't had a shower in _weeks,_ and were smoking something strange.

Was I scared?

… Maybe…

"Yeah, yeah," said one of the men as I walked in. "We got the package for Tweek Coffee. You got the envelope?"

"These guys must be scientists," Butters whispered to me as I handed the man the envelope.

The meth head gave me a strange look. "Hey… that's not the usual kid that picks up the package."

"Huh?" said the other meth head, when a look of realization took over his face. "Oh shit. IT'S A COP!"

And THAT'S how I got into a fight with a bunch of crack addicts.

* * *

Tell me: does a little, nine-year-old kid wearing a shitty mage outfit look like a fucking cop? Yes? No? HMMM?

I don't know what the hell these guys were thinking, but they definitely needed a nap.

Butters and I stood on one end of the room while the three bozos stood at the other end. "Please don't ice me, homie," said Butters.

I glared at the crack addict in the front while taking out my dynamite stick. Lighting in on fire, I used it to set him on fire, resulting in him yelling while trying to fan away the fire on his head.

I had never seen Butters use his hammer, until that moment. He ran up to another one of the meth heads and yelled, "By the hammer of Butters!" before taking a long spin and swinging his hammer. He then chucked it straight at the female meth head.

I'm just taking a wild guess here, but I'm pretty sure that hammer throw hurt A LOT, because the woman let out a loud yelp when it struck her.

Butters then, being Butters, apologized.

Now it was the meth heads' turn. The man who was on fire took glass- and I'm not kidding, a _glass bottle-_ and slashed it at Butters. I, meanwhile, was surprised at how well Butters took the hit! He's very strong.

But then- BUT FUCKING THEN- _another_ meth head took a broken beer bottle and chucked it at Butters' head, and ANOTHER meth head took an open beer bottle and threw it at Butters.

As you might have assumed, Butters was no longer able to fight and collapsed.

And I? I was fucking LIVID! Like, how DARE you do that to Butters, you fucking psychos!

Angry, I used my Dragon's Breath to set the female meth head on fire, because she freaking deserved it. And she fell to the floor in pain. Yay!

Just then, a male meth head chucked a bottle at me, and I was unable to block it. That same crack addict then collapsed, just like the female, in pain. Double yay!

The third and final meth head ran up to me and slashed at me with a beer bottle, but thankfully I blocked it.

I ran up to the last guy, and slashed at him with my wand three damn times! He then ran up to me and kicked me, but I then used my Dragon's Breath to take him down. Triple yay! We won!

I then realized that Tweek Coffee was using crack in their coffee from these guys and that I probably shouldn't drink their coffee any time soon.

* * *

Butters and I walked back to Tweek Bros. Crack- I mean Coffee, this time with the package of… well, crack. Along the way, I met some nice people I guess. One of the fathers was shoveling snow off his lawn, and when I passed he said, "Hey, if you ever wanna sue anybody, you come to me first, okay?" and winking at me.

Eventually we arrived back at the coffee shop. I entered the Employees Only door again to greet Tweek.

"You did it!" he yelled as I entered, running up to me and grabbing the package from my hands. "YOU GOT THE PICKUP! OH THANKS, MAN!"

Tweek then turned to his father, who was in the room with us. "Dad! I finished my work; can I go play?"

"Where's today's delivery?" asked Mr. Tweak as he walked up to us.

"Right here!" answered Tweek excitedly, handing the package to his father. Mr. Tweak then, to my surprise, opened the package and dipped his finger in, followed by him licking the crack (CRACK! IT'S CRACK!) from his finger. "Hm, yup, that's good shit."

I. Was. Terrified.

"Alright, Tweek," Mr. Tweek said to his son, who had a big smile on his face, "you can play for a little bit. But be home before dark or you'll be grounded."

 _Grounded, like the fresh grinds of our all-organic Tweek blend, made with ingredients from local tweekers._

Wait… how the hell did that get in here?! Get out of here, false advertisement! Fuck you!

"Thanks, kid," Tweek then said to me. "I gotta go get changed and then I'll meet you at the kingdom!"

I was then one-third of the way done with my quest! This would be easy!

… Or so I thought.

* * *

 **Hey guys! So I've actually been writing this story for a while now, and then I decided, why not share it with the world? And that's what I'm doing now!**

 **The first four chapters of this book were published all together on the same day because that's all that I had written. And if you guys like it, I'll gladly continue it! I just REALLY wanted to write a novelization of SP:SOT. :P**

 **If I don't end up continuing this then here's the credits: South Park and South Park: The Stick of Truth belong to the amazing Trey Parker and Matt Stone. I used Kubz Scout's and PewDiePie's playthroughs of this game to write this (I didn't want to keep having to pause my own game just to write one line of dialogue, you know?).**

 **Thank you so much for any support I get on this!**

 **Love you all! 3**

 **~Esmeralda~**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

The next person I had to recruit to the Kupa Keep army was Token.

Probably the largest house I saw on my map of South Park was "Dark Meadows", where Token lived. He was the rich kid in the neighborhood, so, of course, he had the largest residence. (Looking back on it now, I don't know why Token was hanging out with people like asshole Cartman, but I guess nine-year-olds have to interact with each other to fuel their mental health.)

I left Tweek Bros. Coffee with Butters in tow, and headed all the way across town to the Black's house. I must say: it looked like mansion, and it probably was. The rocks on the path were the smoothest goddamn things I've ever seen in my life, and of course I was jealous of this Token character. You would've envied him, too!

Butters and I stood among a large gate that read "Dark Meadows". I eyed the security guard watching the entrance.

"This is a gated community, sir," said the security guard as I walked up to him, Butters cautiously following me. "We do not allow the riff-raff. Move along sir." He didn't look up from his clipboard as he spoke to me.

I _had_ to get to Token; I was too far into the mission to back out now. But as soon as I tried to sneak past him, the security guard (WITH NO SHITS GIVEN) whipped out his pepper spray and FUCKING SPRAYED ME.

 _I shit you not._

The pepper spray hurt; it fucking _hurt._ My eyes were burning and my stomach was turning. I dropped to my knees and puked on the curb.

"If you try again, I will pepper spray you back to the Stone Age," the security guard scolded me.

I considered kicking him in the shins, but after careful fore thinking of the possible outcomes, I decided against it.

However, the only thing I did was think: _"_ _Motherfucker!"_

I stood next to Butters, defeated and trying to think of a way inside. Whilst I was arguing with myself about whether or not jumping a fence and climbing through a window only works in action movies, my cell phone beeped. I checked it, and it was a message from Cartman on my social media (yes, I remember the whole thing):

 _ **HAHAHAHA Dude someone just posted a video of you getting pepper sprayed! Hold on I gotta watch that again. AHAHAHAHA it's even better when you know what's coming!**_

I was pissed that Cartman had the decency to interrupt me during my quest, and with this _shit._ But then I saw the comment underneath it:

 _ **Jimbo's Guns carries a selection of gas masks that render pepper spray totally useless as a self-defense. Come visit.**_

It was then I realized that the only way I could make it passed this security guard, would be to… buy a gas mask. With the money my mom left me on the counter no less than two hours ago, and a few dollars I found in the streets.

I figured my net worth would do the trick.

* * *

The walk to Jimbo's Guns wasn't that long, I guess. I don't know. How am I supposed to keep track of time, when I can't even keep track of how many Facebook friends I have?

On the exterior, Jimbo's Guns didn't really look like your average gun shop. In fact, it didn't really look like anything until you opened the door, only to face the array of weapons, bait, and hunting items that hung on every wall. A tall man in an orange shirt and a green vest stood behind the counter. Next to him was a shorter man in glasses, who looked kinda bored, considering the fact that the shop was empty, except for me and Butters.

"Well hello there, Jimbo and Ned!" Butters sweetly exclaimed as we entered the shop.

"Well!" said Jimbo. "What brings you here today? Business or pleasure? Or vengeance?"

My head barely peeked above the counter.

"Howdy there! Haven't seen you before."

I looked up at Jimbo, and it seriously felt like I was staring up at some skyscraper. That's how short I was.

"You must be the new kid that moved to town – and you're into huntin', huh?!" Jimbo continued. "Well, my boy, you've come to the right place! South Park is chock FULL o' things to shoot that would delight ANY Taxidermist, Survivalist, or Weekend Animal Death enthusiast!

"Ain't much I can sell to a minor – thanks to the stupid Democrats – bu-but if you can prove yourself a REAL hunter I might be able to get you some better stuff. You should buy a copy of…"

As he rambled on and on about some hunter's guidebook, all I wanted was the gas mask.

EVENTUALLY I bought the gas mask, and left Jimbo's Guns wearing it (and swore to myself that I would never wield a gun in my life. That shit is scary). The mask was gigantic, and felt like a bunch of ten-pound weights on my face, but I convinced myself that being protected from pepper spray was worth it. _So_ worth it.

* * *

I was just about ready to laugh in this security guard's fucking face!

I arrived at Dark Meadows once again, this time, looking like a martian with my green mask. I glared at the security guard through the mask, as he said, "Sir, I'm a professional security guard. It is impossible to get passed me."

I didn't move.

Like last time, he pulled out his pepper spray and sprayed me. But, as expected, the gas mask protected me. BOOM!

The security guard's eyes widened in shock. "What the fuck?! Oh NO!"

And for the second time since my arrival in South Park, I got into a fight with an adult.

* * *

"Let me at 'em!" cried Butters as all three of us prepared for battle. It was me and Butters vs. the bitch-ass security guard.

I took out my bow and arrows, a new one I had bought from the Kupa Keep shop before I left, and prepare to shoot. I pulled back hard, and let go. Let's just say the arrow hit the security guard in the place where Cartman told me to protect.

Butters ran up to the guard and smacked him with his hammer, right in his knees (because we were too short to even reach his torso). The guard looked pretty helpless even at this point, but he didn't seem to want to give up.

The guard stood up and ran to me, taking out his taser and doing exactly what you'd expect him to do with it. I had never felt more excruciating pain in my _life!_ Like you'd expect, I fell to the floor in a heap of pain and suffering, and anger that didn't show on the outside.

Butters ran up to the guard and swung his hammer around, yelling, "By the hammer of Butters!" like he had done to the meth heads. The impact sent the security guard to the ground!

(That was the shortest fight I'd ever had, and it was also the shortest fight scene the author ever had to write, and she is not ready for the future of this story. So many fight scenes to write.)

* * *

Butters and I had long awaited this moment, but we finally walked through the entrance and onto Token's property. I advanced to Token's door and knocked on it.

Token answered. "Yeah?" he said. Token was wearing a purple shirt with a T on it, and had dark skin and short, black hair. Cartman probably ripped on him a lot for his skin color, and I was just guessing at the time! Fucking Cartman.

Anyway, I just stared at Token, and he seemed to have a pretty reasonable expression for someone coming face-to-face with a strange kid wearing a gas mask.

"Can I help you?" Token asked slowly, and I handed him the letter Cartman had given me.

"What's this…?" Token took the letter from my hand. "Oh, the elves took the Stick again? Hang on a second."

It was it that short moment that three things happened. First, Token closed the door on my. Second, I was slightly offended for that happening. And third, Token opened the door again, this time in his battle uniform, which seemed to be a bunch of layers of clothing on one another, with a red scarf and a red gym band.

"Thank you for thy message, traveler!" said Token, in character. "I shall make haste to Kupa Keep!" He then turned around and yelled, "Mom! Can you drive me to Eric's house?" And I closed the door feeling REALLY good about myself, for the fact that I helped beat up a security guard. Like, that shit was _badass!_

* * *

Suffice it to say that I had completely forgotten about the third person to recruit for my mission, and what I did next was practically skip over to Cartman's house with Butters following suite.

I opened Cartman's front door and awkwardly walked through his living room and kitchen, only to enter his backyard.

As I strolled through Kupa Keep once more, Butters cried, "ALL SOLDIERS REPORTING FOR DUTY, GRAND WIZARD!" And I followed the other Kupa Keep members. We stood in front of the tent and watched Cartman emerge.

"Nice work, Douchebag," said Cartman. I cringed at that nickname. "Now all my men are here and ready to fight for the- wait a minute," he cut himself off, "where is Feldspar? Where's my level twelve thief?" he demanded.

"Hey yeah," said Butter cautiously, "where's Craig?"

"He's in detention," answered Token.

"What?!" Cartman yelled.

"He flipped off the Principal," Tweek elaborated, "so he's in detention again."

Cartman turned away from us and stared at the floor. "Oh my god…" he said. "… If they've locked away our thief in detention, we have no hope of getting back the Stick of Truth. We have to break him out!"

"Agh!" cried Tweek, twitching. "No way, man! Last time we broke Craig out of detention we ALL got in trouble!"

Cartman abruptly turned back around. "Getting into trouble is a risk that Douchebag is willing to take!"

I had absolutely no idea what the hell Cartman thought he meant by that, but I was in NO WAY willing to take that risk! No fucking way!

Cartman walked over to me. "You have to break out our thief, Douchebag," he addressed me. "But don't worry; I will not let you go unprepared. I am going to teach you how to use magic. Meet me at the training barracks. It's time for you to learn 'Dragonshout'."

(The author, Esmeralda, is in no way ready to write this part and she is sorry if it comes out really shitty.)

* * *

I followed Cartman over to the top right corner of Kupa Keep, which he called the training barracks. It was just a small section of the kingdom, decorated with two training dummies. It seemed kind of makeshift, even for a nine-year-old boy.

"You fight well, Douchebag," said Cartman, "but to truly succeed in combat, you must learn to harness the power… of your farts."

Wait… what?! Suddenly I didn't feel like learning this "Dragonshout" thing…

Cartman taught me: "Farting on an opponent at precisely the right time is key to battle. I shall show you how to do it, but FIRST," he said sternly, "you must take the Gentleman's Oath.

"You must promise to NEVER, EVER fart on a man's balls. Okay? Farting on an opponent is necessary, but farting on someone's balls is NOT COOL."

I didn't think I needed this speech, because I would never even THINK of doing that.

"Do you understand?" Cartman asked me. "All right, then let's begin your training."

Cartman led me over to the two training dummies. "To conjure Dragonshout," he said, "you must first clear your mind and take in a deep breath… through your butthole. Like so." He then seemed to do what he just said, I guess. I don't exactly remember how to Dragonshout worked, but I remember Cartman going "HRRNNGGHH!" and such.

I had thought that Cartman looked kind of constipated.

"Then…" he said, stilling holding his stance, "let it rumble inside of you… and…" he then turned this back to a training dummy and cried "DRAGONSHOUT!" before letting it loose.

I distinctly remember the training dummy _moving._

That's fucking right.

 _MOVING._

It swung backwards as if a strong wind had blown. But nope: it was just Cartman's Dragonshout. And I was pretty amazed. Actually, I was thinking a lot of thing during that time, and it's too much to say.

"I'll show you one more time," said Cartman, before following those same steps and farting on the training dummy again, and I had another chance to see it move.

Cartman then backpedaled away to give me some space to perform the move myself. "Now you," he told me. "Ready? Dragonshout!"

But here's the thing: I was not ready. _No freaking way._

I cautiously made my way to the dummy and "took a deep breath through my butthole" like Cartman did. He advised me how to "let it rumble" and such. "Hold… Hold…" he was telling me.

And then, I did the weirdest fucking shit I'd ever done: I'd turned my back to the dummy, and actually did a FUCKING DRAGONSHOUT!

I didn't even know I could do something like that!

"My god," said Cartman, mesmerized, "that was… incredible. A man could live a hundred years and never again witness a spell so… boisterous." He paused for a second. "Could it be that the prophecies are true? Could it be that the Dragonborn has come at last in our hour of need?

"Now let us try your skill on a REAL opponent. Hey, hey Princess Kenny," Cartman called, giggling, "could you come here a sec?"

Princess Kenny skipped on over to the training barracks, and Cartman told me "Shh! Don't tell him." Kenny arrived, and Cartman said: "Okay. Just real quick, Princess Kenny. Sir Douchebag wants to show you something. All right, you two – spar!"

Kenny got into a fighting stance in front of me, and the training dummy was right behind him. "Sir Douchebag," Cartman ordered, "show Princess Kenny the magical powers I have taught you."

I really didn't want to have to disgust Princess Kenny. But, I guess I had to. I ran up to Kenny, and did exactly what I needed to do for a Dragonshout. I let it rumble, then turned away from Kenny, and then (reluctantly) let it rip.

Kenny reacted exactly how you'd expect him to react to being farted on: he was fanning and wiping his face and turning away from me, and I felt badly for him. But Cartman reacted just how he did when I had beat up Clyde that one time: with joy.

"HA! HA HA HAAAAAA!" Cartman laughed. "THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS! HA HA AHAHAHA! DUDE THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!"

Kenny, however, was staring daggers at Cartman, as he laughed and danced around. I just stood there in guilt.

Cartman finally calmed down. "O-okay," he sighed, "good job, Sir Douchebag, that was sweet. Thanks, Princess Kenny. That's all for now."

Kenny stormed off, saying something that was incomprehensible from under his parka.

Cartman walked up to me, still laughing. "HA hahaahaa! Okay, but dude, seriously remember," he became stern again, "don't EVER do that on someone's balls. Okay, seriously.

"You have mastered Dragonshout; from now on it'll be easier for you."

And that was how I learned magic during my first day at South Park.

Now, all I had to do was put it to use and go save Craig from detention.

How hard could it be?

* * *

 **(The following author's note contains spoilers for the book and the game)**

 **Hey everyone!**

 **Thank you all so much for the nice feedback and the views I got on this! I'm happy to say that I will be continuing this story.**

 **Also... two things. One, should I write some side quests into this? I feel like the book will be too long with side quests. IF I ever finish this, I might write a spinoff book with some side quests. idk.**

 **Second, should I go Humans or Elves? The way I played this game, I recruited the goths to the humans (because I had no idea what was going on) and then I fought Cartman at the ultimate battle of humans vs. elves. But should I write it that way? Let me know what you guys think!**

 **Until next time! :)**

 **~Esmeralda~**


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